Cuppa

Well, now that we are all friends here, I think it is very important to start discussing some serious issues. Lets begin with pee.

Going to the doctor is not my favorite thing in the world. There is just something about the entire experience that literally leaves a bitter taste in the side of my mouth, the one that feels like you have had cotton stuffed into your cheeks. I'm not old enough to have consistently had one general practice doctor for a long stretch of time. As a matter of fact I think the only doctor I have ever visited on a consistent basis is the orthodontist. Growing up and having to go to the doctor by yourself is very scary. How does one find a doctor? How do you get in when you are sick but they are not accepting new patients? Where do you park? Will you be able to fit it in on your lunch hour?

However, there is one scenario that always haunts me: peeing in the cup. Of course there are some key questions that accompany this situation as well. Should the cup be half empty or half full? Do you run cold water over the sides of the cup to make it less steamy? If you are a female, how do you even aim to begin with?

Then there is the most embarrassing question of all: what do you do with the pee afterward? I have only been in one office where they had this magical little door that you inserted the full cup into and it ended up at a testing desk on the other side. I felt this to be very considerate as I didn't have to walk out of the bathroom with a cup of my own waste in hand. The only problem with this was that when I opened up the door there was another cup that had not yet been removed. Various scenarios rushed through my head. Perhaps the other pee belonged to a person with an STD, drug addiction, or even worse, a person that was pregnant! What if these two cups got mixed up and I was under the impression that I had some serious life decisions to make while this other mysterious and dirty person was off spreading all kinds of diseases? I suppose the nurses either figured it out or both of us are STD free, non drug using, infertile individuals.

Is there some unspoken code that I haven't picked up on? What does one do with pee when there is not a magical doorway? I always try and cover mine up with a paper towel when I exit the restroom, fervently praying that nothing splashes. But what’s the use, everyone knows that under that paper towel there is a fresh warm cup of urine.

Perhaps one day I will learn the unspoken code of urine analysis etiquette, but until then I will have to continue to be that red faced girl leaving the rest room with a cylindrical wad of paper towel in her hand and bumbling down the hallway, only to shove it shame shamefacedly into the nearest nurse's hand.