If you ever find yourself taking care of Erma one day, you might find a similar letter waiting for you on our kitchen table. Jordan prepared this for two friends that agreed to watch over her one weekend (and did a wonderful job!), and while he did it as a joke, we soon realized that it is all very true. The following is an excerpt:
Thanks again for taking care of Erma this weekend. We were going to ask the 5-year old next store to do it, but after a harrowing story concerning the accidental death of her cat, Becca and I decided that it would be best if we got some professionals (A few moments after she told us this story her mother poked her head out the door and said, “Stop telling people you killed our cat.” She then looked to us and said, “She just stepped on the cat’s tail. The cat is not dead!”) Anyway…digression aside, here is what you should know about Erma now that we’ve roped you into taking care of her. First of all, she doesn’t have a water bowl. She drinks out of a cup because she wants to be like people. She has a blue cup of water on the side table next to the bed, and she usually drinks out of another random cup that is being utilized by either Becca or myself. To make up for this, we have placed a second cup on the end table closest to the front door. You don’t need to give her jug water out of the fridge, but if you feel so compelled, then go for it. Erma does not like ice in her water. Also, in the vein of Erma wanting to be like people, you have to make sure to talk to her first thing when you come in the door. The preferred greeting is either an extremely high pitched “T T T T T!” or a more conversational “What’ve ya been doin’?” She’ll squeak. “Really?” She’ll squeak again. Erma’s favorite lounging areas are in the window of the office next to the dying Aloe plant, underneath the papazan chair, or under the bed (check those areas first if you can’t find her). WARNING: do not go in the closet! We cleaned Erma’s litter right before we left, so don’t worry about that. If you catch Erma staring at the oven, then you are required to chase after her. Erma’s toys are in the metal basket in-between the sliding door and the tea cart. Erma requires different toys depending on her mood: if Erma is looking kind of chipper and playful, then I would either go with the mouse on the end of the stick, the brown shoe lace, or one of the various chickens attached to twisty-ties. If you choose to play with the chickens, then try and get Erma to play fetch; it’s really cute when she does it. O yeah, I forgot something, the piece of felt on the floor of the office with the red fuzzy hat next to it belongs there on the floor; that’s another favorite place of Erma’s; the felt is positioned perfectly so that it catches the morning sunlight between 8:45 and 10:00. Back to the toys: if Erma is looking despondent, then get the bag of catnip out of the freezer and put it on one of the little fuzzy balls; she only plays with the balls if there is catnip involved. Lastly, if she does a drop-and-roll, it means she wants you to pet the tuft of white fur on her chest and pat her butt at the same time. Also, don’t sit on any blankets unless you see Erma, for she might be cuddled up inside of one of the blankets (especially the papazan chair. She loves sleeping in the blanket on the papazan chair). I guess I should say something about Erma’s food. Her food bowl is in the bedroom next to the door. Her food is in the plastic bin next to the food. Erma gets three crumbs from her treat bag a day, which is located in the drawer in front of this letter (use the orange bag of treats). Do not leave the treats out; Erma will rip the bag to shreds just to get her fix.
Now, about the plants. We watered them really well right before we left, so either Saturday or Sunday if you could give them a water, then that would be great. There are jugs of water for the plants outside, so don’t worry about finding a flagon. If you see the squirrel digging in our basil, shoot him with the orange water gun next to the sliding glass door. Then proceed to shake your fist at the squirrel in a menacing manner, and if you really feel inclined, you can yell “Get outta here Little Shit!”
Lastly, leave a light on after you leave that way Erma is not just hanging out in the dark. Not the bedroom light; Erma prefers that room to be dark and cool. Just one of the lights in the living room will be fine.
(More on this pesky squirrel later)
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