Promise Me This

Almost two months ago Jordan and I found ourselves at a carnival. It was being held across the street from our apartment, in the lawn of a church, and for about a week we salivated at the bright lights and smell of popcorn every time we passed by it. Finally, on my birthday, one of our friends convinced us that a joyous occasion such as my birth is a good excuse to down a couple drinks and tempt them to come up again on the Gravi-tron. We had a pretty good time at the carnival, even though we realized that it was the land of pre-teen drama and shady vendors.

I learned two lessons that night.

First: Ferris Wheels are the scariest ride ever. At first I thought I would just enjoy the night breeze, moving slowly through the air, heck, maybe I could even spot our apartment! Then I learned that moving slowly through the air in a rickety basket, with half the lights flicking, is enough to make me want to ask the scary man to please make it stop. Seriously, while we were on the ride, some of the lights shorted out…what does that mean? Will there be enough electricity to bring me back safely to the ground where I can then kiss it and thank it for not being the air? Are we just going to be stuck up there forever, or is the entire machine going to just break and we fall in a heap to the ground? I pictured my death possibly 1,000 times during the scariest 4 minutes of my life.


(our Ferris Wheel was much less stable and had much more paint peeling away than this one, oh, and the lights work on this one too)


Second: Never ask Jordan to “promise me this”. As we were leaving I turned to Jordan with one simple request. “Jordan, will you promise me that you will never become a carny?” “Of course, my dearest wife” was the response. I left happily, feeling the bond of marriage as strong as ever. Of course he would never become a carny, do I even have to ask such silly things? Not four days later my charming husband tells me he has a job at the Maryland State Fair at the end of the summer. Ahem. What was so hard to understand about the most attainable favor I have ever asked? So, this past week Jordan has been working on his tan, alternating between guzzling beer in the middle of the day and smoking cigarettes, and trying to black out some of his teeth in order to prepare for his new gig. He worked this weekend and seemed to come home in the same condition that I let him go, but I’m worried that next weekend he might do something really awful, like get a tattoo of Tweedy Bird.


(Jordan's future look...I honestly don't know if this is a man or a woman)


Lessons learned, and maybe next time I'll make him promise to never buy me a pony.

Sleep: The Story of Bedtime in Three Acts

I love sleep.

Sometimes, you just have to get a little extra sleep, even though you know it is not the best plan. The other night was one of those nights. Jordan and I ate dinner, some cozy leftovers of pasta, and had a glass of wine. He then settled in to do some homework, while I took it upon myself to watch a couple hours of Law and Order: Criminal Intent (I know, its just awful, but I love it). I should have realized when I yawned a few times that I was done for, but ever vigilant I carried on.

Act I:
It all started with The Chair. It looked so inviting, with its lovely green cushion and little ottoman: a perfect cocoon of coziness. I decided that it would be the proper viewing spot for a mini Law and Order marathon. In the back of my head I had to have known what this usually means, but perhaps I was in denial since it was only 8:00 in the evening and I didn't want to admit to myself that I planned on going to sleep that early. I snuggled myself warmly into the chair, and then came Erma. Sweet little Erma. Now, what else am I going to do in a perfectly comfortable chair with a little cuddly ball of warmth sprawled across my chest? Erma is definitely a papazan chair whore, no matter who is in it, she is there, willing to lay down with any old person she is sitting with. So, naturally, about 11 minutes into the program, I fell asleep.

Act II:
I slept in the chair until almost 9:00 exactly. Perhaps it was the opening credits music that acted as my alarm clock? Well, of course I was a bit scrunched from napping in a little round chair with a creature on top of me. Looking around, it seemed best that I continue my TV watching on the couch where I could really spread out and even include a blanket to watch the second episode of Law and Order, I quietly swore at myself for taking nap so close to bedtime. I barely even finished listening to the theme song when I was asleep again.

Act III:
Another hour exactly. I woke up and looked around, slightly confused. Well, nothing left to do but go to the bedroom and go to sleep! I grumpily limped passed Jordan (limbs don't like sleeping on mere chairs and couches, they need queen size beds!) mumbled something about going to bed early and to remember to turn on his alarm clock. Another minute and I was out. Erma later joined me and we slept wonderfully until 7:30 the next morning. Seeing as how both Erma and I have very strenuous lives, its easy to see why we were exhausted.

Let's not lie here. The real reason I went to bed early is because I am lazy, and laziness aided by a few glasses of red wine encourages bedtime. I love sleep.

What I Would Take With Me

When I visit museums I like to play a little game called “if I could steal anything here, what would it be”. This game is inspired by a similar version that a family friend plays, only in her tamer version she just decides which piece of art she would like to own. When you place it in the context of stealing, many other factors come in to play. You have to realistically think about how you would remove this piece and what you are going to do with it when you leave. Art theft is a wonderfully lucrative business venture, and if one steals the right objects, retirement could be in the near future. I’ve marked my future nest egg investments all over the United States, and our recent trip to the Metropolitan Museum was no exception.

This museum is huge and one can only imagine how much the entire collection, not to mention the building itself, is worth. There is a huge range of art to play sticky fingers with…everything from Roman coins (although, those seem to be mostly behind glass) to huge paintings on canvas. Jordan and I had quite the task in front of us. I am usually a sucker for paintings as I hope to one day hang my walls with a variety of different two dimensional works hung salon style, but this time I was in the mood for some sculpture.




I found all the detached heads of Medieval religious sculptures to be rather appealing, and I don’t think I could be satisfied with just one, so I would have to steal an assortment of them.




Jordan was rather struck by the Met’s armor collection, and decided that he would like to steal an ancient samurai mask. I approve.




If we were some serious and innovative art thieves, I would very much like to steal Anselm Kiefer’s Bohemia Lies by the Sea. We’ll have to work up to it.